Wait! What's Going On?

My life right now is a never ending state of not knowing what the heck is going on. This is a combination of my general lack of understanding of both language and culture. What it means is that I do a lot of smiling and nodding, and am gradually learning not to have any expectations of timing, because they are bound to be wrong. So mostly I just sit and follow people around. Sometimes I try to ask someone, but as I generally don’t understand the answer, this is often a less than effective method. Even when I do understand the words, and think I’ve caught the meaning, more often than not I’ve missed a cultural cue that gives the words another meaning entirely. Even in the rare cases that I do think I know what’s going on, I’m usually wrong.

This is a very exhausting state to live in. I consider myself a generally flexible person, certainly moreso than many others I know, but always being confused is hard. I miss “getting” things, knowing what’s expected of me, being able to ask the right questions to figure out what I don’t know. People say this will get better, I just wish I knew when. Some days are better than others, some days actually go somewhat as I expect. Sometimes I understand what people are saying when they talk to me, and somedays I have good conversations with people. Some days I don’t mind the up in the air feeling and can embrace the adventure of it. Some days I’m so sick of it I just want to hide in my room. It’s not that I don’t like the culture or the way things happen, it’s that I don’t understand it and constantly feel lost.

So what is God teaching me through this? I don’t know. I wish I could clearly say. But it is my prayer that he is using it for my sanctification and that someday I’ll at least be able to understand a bit more than I do now. And in the meantime I pray for the grace I need for each day to accept that I don’t know what I am doing or what’s happening, and to rest, trusting that God does know all those things, and won’t give me more than I can bear.