Thoughts on Sin

WARNING!!! This post is more reflective, thoughtful, and slightly more depressing than those prior. No funny anecdotes here, just some real life stuff I’m struggling with and working through as I adjust to things here. It was written on one of my rougher days, and for this reason I have refrained from posting it, but have now decided to go for it anyways. I'll try to post something delightfully light and humorous within the next few days to make up for it.

Before I left for Tanzania, a good friend and former missionary told me that overseas, I would encounter the sin in my life more powerfully than I ever had before. She was right.

I can’t name exactly what it is that brings out the sin or makes me so much more aware of it. Maybe it’s the sense of lostness, the transition. Maybe it’s all the new people, being slammed into a new culture and language. Maybe it’s the overwhelming sense of incompetency I daily encounter. I don’t know. But I do know that every day it seems like a new sin, not an “oops I made a mistake” sin, but a deep character issue sin, is staring me in the face, hovering over my bed, waiting for me to wake up in the morning.

Satan can use sin to accuse and the Holy Spirit can reveal sin to convict us and lead us to repentance for the purpose of sanctification. I know that I’m forgiven, but what I can’t get over is how miserable the sin seems to make everything in the present. Separating the accusation from the call to repentance is a challenge. I know that Satan is working to use these revelations to my detriment. And quite honestly, some days he wins. Some days I end so despising myself- my words, my actions, my attitudes- that I want to give up completely. I don’t even want to be around myself, so why would God or anyone else ever choose to be around me if they really had the choice?

Here are some of the questions, thoughts and lies that I daily encounter: I can’t do it. I’m stupid and lazy. Why am I constantly so cranky? Why are other people morally so much better than I am? Why am I here? Is there even an ounce of compassion in my body? Will I ever be somewhat emotionally stable again, or is that a distant dream? Why am I here if I can’t do anything useful? I am not a nice person. I should give up talking completely, because inevitably I something rude or stupid, or something I just generally regret later.

All of those statements and questions have truth in them, whether or not they are actually true. And from the beginning, Satan has used truth, and then twisted it to serve his own purposes.

One of the problems is that these questions and lies can quickly lead to self-pity, an eternal battle of mine. Self-pity is tightly bound to pride, arrogance, envy, and selfishness. Most of those make it on the “top worst sins” lists in the Bible; all of them are highly apparent in my daily life. So then I cycle back to this overwhelming realization of how deep the sin is.

My answer? I have none, except that God is merciful and gracious and sent his one and only Son to die in payment for my sin. He will bring the work he has begun in me to completion. He remains faithful, even when I am faithless. He is with me. He loves me. He is a good Father, and will not give me a snake when I ask for a fish.

A wonderful friend sent me some words that I am clinging to, believing, if not always feeling, that they are true: “I have faith, not just in you, but in your Father who loves you, the Holy Spirit who is sanctifying you and in the Son who has redeemed you for His purposes.”

"Praise is due to you, O God, in Zion, and to you shall vows be performed.

O you who hear prayer, to you shall all flesh come.

When iniquities prevail against me, you atone for our transgressions.

Blessed is the one you choose and bring near, to dwell in your courts! We shall be satisfied with the goodness of your house, the holiness of your temple!"

Psalm 65:1-4